![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
Moderator: Officers
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
lol great one Ed! liked yours too Brad ![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
Adalric Brandl - Gimp of Innoruuk
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- Member
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
Old Blue
A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
"How are you?" they ask.
"Oh, I'm fine," he says.
"And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
"Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand dollars."
The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is "Where's Old Blue?"
"Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these years?'"
The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
"How are you?" they ask.
"Oh, I'm fine," he says.
"And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
"Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand dollars."
The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is "Where's Old Blue?"
"Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these years?'"
The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
I did a small soda spittake from that one, nice!
Dang, and I haven't been keeping up on my jokes recently... I'll be back with one later!
Dang, and I haven't been keeping up on my jokes recently... I'll be back with one later!
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
- Zahasha
- Guild Leader
- Posts: 2261
- Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Within a forested valley hidden deep in the foothills of the Siskiyou Mountains
- Contact:
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
![Shocked :shock:](./images/smilies/icon_eek.gif)
![Shocked :shock:](./images/smilies/icon_eek.gif)
![Shocked :shock:](./images/smilies/icon_eek.gif)
![Shocked :shock:](./images/smilies/icon_eek.gif)
![Shocked :shock:](./images/smilies/icon_eek.gif)
![Shocked :shock:](./images/smilies/icon_eek.gif)
![Shocked :shock:](./images/smilies/icon_eek.gif)
Ok !!!
I have so stopped holding my breath!!!!!
![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
![Mr. Green :mrgreen:](./images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif)
"It is good to have an end to journey towards:
but it is the journey that matters in the end." ~Ursula K Le Guin
- Zahasha
- Guild Leader
- Posts: 2261
- Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Within a forested valley hidden deep in the foothills of the Siskiyou Mountains
- Contact:
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.
The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me.
I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -
I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.
The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me.
I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -
I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
"It is good to have an end to journey towards:
but it is the journey that matters in the end." ~Ursula K Le Guin
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
The Blond Triumverate
Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
A: I think I'm drunk.
Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
A: I think I'm drunk.
Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
Math and Professions
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. The housewife replied, "Four!".
The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time."
The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. The housewife replied, "Four!".
The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time."
The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color..
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Men Are Just Happier People
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color..
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Men Are Just Happier People
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir.... but.... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
-Never be arrogant.
-Don't waste ammunition.
-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
-Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir.... but.... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
-Never be arrogant.
-Don't waste ammunition.
-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
-Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
- Zahasha
- Guild Leader
- Posts: 2261
- Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Within a forested valley hidden deep in the foothills of the Siskiyou Mountains
- Contact:
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
An emergency alert...
We have to stop cutting down trees.
This is getting serious. This is what happens when we cut down too many trees!
![Image](https://old.eqwalkers.com/album_pic.php?pic_id=682)
We have to stop cutting down trees.
This is getting serious. This is what happens when we cut down too many trees!
"It is good to have an end to journey towards:
but it is the journey that matters in the end." ~Ursula K Le Guin
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
Rain
If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
- Zahasha
- Guild Leader
- Posts: 2261
- Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Within a forested valley hidden deep in the foothills of the Siskiyou Mountains
- Contact:
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
Cannibal Restaurant
A cannibal was walking through the jungle
And came upon a restaurant operated by a
Fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle
And came upon a restaurant operated by a
Fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
"It is good to have an end to journey towards:
but it is the journey that matters in the end." ~Ursula K Le Guin
Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!
Walking into the bar, Rick said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Rick replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch. What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken-shit."
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Rick replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch. What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken-shit."