Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

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bandin
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by bandin » Thu May 31, 2007 10:57 pm

"Study: Female Cheetahs Sleep Around," reads CNN.com's headline over a Reuters dispatch:

For female cheetahs in the Serengeti, the call of the wild is just too hard to resist as new research shows nearly half of their litters are made up of cubs with different fathers.

As a clever man once said to a cuckolded cheetah, "Isn't loyalty a bit much to expect from a wild animal? She's a cheetah, for crying out loud. How can you be surprised that she cheetah'd on you?"
Bandin

These Linux guys never cease to amuse. Here is the timeout message from ftp:

421 Timeout - try typing a little faster next time
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Zahasha » Wed Jun 20, 2007 5:13 pm

: Never Argue with a woman

> > One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
> >
> > Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
> >
> > She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
> >
> > Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
> >
> > He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
> >
> > "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
> >
> > "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
> >
> > "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
> >
> > "Yes, but you have all the equipment."
> >
> > "For all I know you could start at any moment."
> >
> > "I'll have to take you in and write you up."
> >
> > "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
> >
> > "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
> >
> > "That's true, but you have all the equipment.
> >
> > For all I know you could start at any moment."
> >
> > "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
> >
> > MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
> >
> > It's likely she can also think.
> >
Image

"It is good to have an end to journey towards:
but it is the journey that matters in the end." ~Ursula K Le Guin
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Crymea
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Thu Jul 05, 2007 8:59 am

A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could only blurt out, "What happened?"

"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Sun Jul 15, 2007 1:24 am

New Boots

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife "notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "nope." Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow".

Furious, Ray yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!!

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Tindirt » Sun Jul 15, 2007 1:52 am

A man sitting in a bar asks the guy next to him for a light for his cigarette. The guy pulls out a 10 inch bic & the man says "Wow where did you get that monster?" to which the guy replies "From the genie in my pocket". The man asks if he can see him so the guy pulls him outta his pocket & the man asks if he can make a wish. The genie says "Sure" & the man says " I wish for a million bucks" to which the genie replies "OK" & pops back into the guy's pocket. A couple of minutes later a duck walks in & suddenly the guy realizes the bar is filling up with ducks. The man looks at the guy & asks what's with all ducks in the bar. The guy replies " I forgot to tell you the genie was hard of hearing, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch Bic?"
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Fri Jul 27, 2007 10:24 am

A Pub Tale

One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.

Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has been havin' all these years."

Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.

Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Wed Aug 01, 2007 1:09 pm

A Minor Misunderstanding

A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.

The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and third, make love to an Eskimo woman."

"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of this here corn liquor?"

"Got one right here," replied the guard.

The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"

"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."

The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you want killed?"
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:55 am

Some Quickies

Q: What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
A: Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Q: Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
A: Right Where You Left Him.

Q: Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A: Because It Scares The Dog.

Q: How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
A: Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Wed Aug 29, 2007 8:26 am

Smuggling Operation.

There was a man who was working as border patrol officer on the United States/Mexican border. Every week, there was a gentleman riding a bike who would cross the border carrying two large bags of sand. The border patrol officer would always stop this man, and search through the bags trying to find contraband, taking apart the bikes to see if there was anything illegal hidden inside of them, only to find nothing but sand. Since there was no contraband to be found, he would let the gentleman head on his way.

This went on for years, and the same routine would happen... The officer would stop the gentleman on the bike, search through the bags, and break down the bikes. Still, he found nothing but sand, and the gentleman would head on his way.

Finally, it came time for the officer to retire. On the night after his retirement, he headed to a bar to celebrate his years of service, where he came across the gentleman who he had stopped over the many years of crossing the border. He looked at the gentleman and said, "Hello. I just had to ask about all those years you crossed the border carrying those bags of sand. Never once did I find anything contraband, and now that I've finally retired from service, I have to ask you... what was it that you were smuggling across the border?"

The gentleman looked at him, smiled, and said, "Stolen bikes."
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Thu Aug 30, 2007 4:32 pm

A Classic

Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"

God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. It'll cost you though".

"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"

"An arm and a leg", said God.

Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get for a rib?"
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Wed Sep 05, 2007 2:27 pm

Funny Overhead Statement

"I had a drunk & stoned hippie once tell me he won't use deodorant because he "doesn't want all those chemicals in my body." The irony was lost on him."

..and c'mon guys, I know you got funny stuff you really want to share!
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Mon Oct 08, 2007 12:28 pm

The Golf Incident

There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be able to hit through.

Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing her instantly.

A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able to hit through, if he was to open both doors. "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:13 am

A Pilot Joke

Two blind pilots board the plane wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and --- We're all gonna die.!"
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Thu Oct 25, 2007 1:49 pm

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged my stereo, and threw out my wine.
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Wed Nov 21, 2007 7:20 pm

Pearls and Swine

A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."

The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.

"Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"

"No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."

The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"

"That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out of the store with the woman following him in a daze.

The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."

"I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a terrific weekend."
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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