Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

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Swogie
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Swogie » Mon Aug 10, 2009 4:16 pm

Theses were good :) I had a laugh
Zahasha wrote:The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

Love, Laugh and Sing off Key
Did I slow you or are you always this stupid?
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Wed Sep 30, 2009 3:14 pm

The Biologist and the Pun...

Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever!

Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds.

Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.

Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Terror
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Terror » Tue Nov 03, 2009 6:58 pm

Ok, this isn't really a joke, it's a poem, but I think it's really funny and I hope you do too :D.



Bless Me, Doctor
by Victor Buono


Bless me, doctor, I have sinned
Since seeing you last week.
The Spirit had the will to win
But, oh, the Flesh was weak.

You warned me that I must deprive
My appetites, and somehow strive
To conquer these compulsive drives
To eat which now obsess me.
You told me all the foods to ban
You gave me pills to aid the plan
I still outweigh my own sedan
And so I must confess me.

On Monday, I awoke at eight
Determined to reduce my weight,
Dry toast and tea is all I ate
Then Satan came to test me.
The pills had made me feel so great
I felt I ought to celebrate
I made French Toast and licked the plate
Bless me, doctor, bless me.

Oh Tuesday as I lay in bed
I still had sixty pounds to shed.
But thoughts of cheesecake filled my head
And started to enslave me.
"The Devil can't trick me," I said.
"I want some cheesecake, but instead
I'll eat two loaves of diet bread."
Save me, doctor, save me.

On Wednesday, I went quite insane
At eight I switched on Jack LaLanne,
By nine, I was a knot of pain
And Satan came to snare me.
By ten I couldn't stand the strain,
I dialed a famous chicken chain,
"Send two with malts and three more plain!"
Spare me, Colonel, spare me.

But Thursday brought the worst disgrace
On Thursday I was very based
I looked the Devil in the face
I should have known he'd trap me.
I got into a kind of race
Which I soon won with easy grace.
The race was in a pizza place
Slap me, someone, slap me.

An now it's Friday and I'm back
A saturated cul de sac,
A hopeless munchomaniac
But nothing can suppress me.
So put some fresh pills in my sack,
I'm ready for the fiend's attack;
But while I wait I'll have a snack
Pass the bread, and bless me.
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by dwebj » Tue Nov 10, 2009 1:07 pm

Sam & Ben
Ben and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Ben didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and
figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Ben hadn't shown up
for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time
they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Ben
lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A
month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Ben, but
one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat
Ben! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then
he said, "For crying out loud Ben, what in the world happened to you?"
Ben replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in
the world for?" "Well," Ben said, "you know Mary, that cute little
blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?" "Yeah,"
said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed
rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when
I got into court, I pled 'guilty'. The damn judge gave me 30 days
for perjury."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Zahasha » Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:22 pm

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall
when a young man with spiked hair sat down beside him.
The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple.
He had black makeup around his eyes.

The old man couldn't help from staring at the youngster.
The boy said, " What's the matter, old man,
haven't you ever done anything wild in your life? "

The old man answered, " Well yes, actually I have.
I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

:mrgreen:
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but it is the journey that matters in the end." ~Ursula K Le Guin
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Mon Nov 23, 2009 4:42 pm

Q: What has four legs and an arm?

A: A happy pitbull.

(before you go off telling me that this is an awful joke and that pitbulls get a bad rap for being mean dogs, I just want to say that I've known plenty of friendly and loving pitbulls, and that this is just a joke, dangit!)
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Zahasha » Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:57 pm

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp. When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom. Alice was horrified; she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!" Alice , still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

8)
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."
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"It is good to have an end to journey towards:
but it is the journey that matters in the end." ~Ursula K Le Guin
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by dwebj » Tue Jan 26, 2010 1:28 pm

The day after his wife
disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim-faced
Alaska State Troopers.

"We're
sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife," said one
trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?"
Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at
each other.

One said, "We have some bad
news, some good news, and some really great
news.
Which do you want to hear
first?²

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr.
Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to
tell you, sir, but this morning we found your
wife's
body in Kachemak Bay
."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good
news?"

The trooper
continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12
twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size
Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you
are entitled to a share in the
catch."

Stunned, ! Mr. Wilkens demanded,
"If that's the good news, what's the great
news?"

The trooper said,

"We're going to pull her
up again
tomorrow."
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Brakiss
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Brakiss » Tue Jan 26, 2010 6:19 pm

lol Dwebj!
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Shinreineko » Wed Jan 27, 2010 5:37 am

Oh man, this has been so entertaining to read through. Great thread to make my work evening more enjoyable.

I should try and come up with a few.. :D

Oh! This is a classic. (long)

Judge #3 (Frank) was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -
A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
Holy $@#&!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..

Judge # 1 -
Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -
Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -
A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $@#&faced from all the beer.


CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-Lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -
Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


CHILI # 6- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I $@#& on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -
Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..

Judge # 1 -
The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -
This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
No Report
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Brakiss
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Brakiss » Wed Jan 27, 2010 7:37 pm

Saw this awhile back lol love it Shin 8)
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Shinreineko » Wed Jan 27, 2010 10:13 pm

That would probably be me. I have no tolerance for heat at all, doubt I could handle a Texas bowl of chili, lol.
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Tue Feb 23, 2010 4:19 pm

Well, it's been quite some time since I've updated this post, so here goes... and be forewarned, if this joke causes your IQ to drop, I am not responsible in any way.

Q: What has seven balls, and screws old ladies?

A: The lottery.

Remember, I am not responsible.
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Mon Apr 12, 2010 10:57 am

Voices on High

A burglar is looting a house when he hears the words "Jesus is watching you!"

He nearly jumps out of skin and looks around. He hears it again "Jesus is watching you!"

He finally sees a parrot in a cage. He laughs and asks "Is your name Jesus?"

The parrot says "My name is Moses!"

The burglar laughs and says "What kind of folks would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot says "The same kind of folks who name a rotweiller Jesus."
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by dwebj » Mon May 24, 2010 11:50 am

SIxty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.





"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."



"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old.



"When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"



"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."



"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.



"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."



"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"



"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."



Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"



"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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