Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

[dwebj]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, Fifty dollars is fifty dollars'........

[dwebj]

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
Particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon
20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
Travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his
Wife was flying
Down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
Computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.


However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
Without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston ....a widow had just returned hom e
From her husband's funeral.

He was a Minister who was called home to
Glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives
And friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
And then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
And you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just
Arrived and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for
Your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ........ Sure is hot down here!!

[dwebj]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come
upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the
size of it.

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the
bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and
listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a
hand and we'll throw it in and see,"

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three,
and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking
over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they
turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to
the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the
hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer
walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to
see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about
a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a
transmission! "

[dwebj]

Finally, the guys' side of the story(I must admit, it's pretty good).

We always hear "The Rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat, your a big girl, if its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down, you don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask us for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched! We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. REALLY.

1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation or basketball.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[dwebj]

Dear Diary: Northern Missouri Winters,

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Northern Mo. It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Missouri is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the
beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Northern Mo. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time.. I'm worn out from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow..............

Dec. 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas.. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB 'Snowplow Harry' comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shit head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the
chance.

May 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow shit.

May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Georgia. I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken State of Missouri!

[dwebj]

What Do You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked o ver, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her paja m as, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

[Crymea]

Anniversary Gift

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since last Friday.

[Zahasha]

News Article...

[Crymea]

Quickie

Q: What do you call a clairvoyant dwarf that escapes from prison?

A: A small medium at large.

[Tindirt]

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of the beer companies decide to have a drink in the bar.

The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors , and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I"

[dwebj]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man
answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
'We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,'
said one trooper.
'Tell me! Did you find her?' Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?'
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, 'Give me the bad news first.'
The trooper said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.'
'Oh my God!' exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good
news?'
The trooper continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound
king crab and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.'
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the great
news?'
The trooper said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'

[Crymea]

I worry everytime I go into an Italian restaurant. I figure that one day, someone is going to order pasta and antipasta, and there is going to be a huge flash of light and the world will come to an end.

[Crymea]

Skylight

Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

[dwebj]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women
Have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
To tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
Talks, the dumber he gets.

[dwebj]

From Cambridge University .

Olny srmat poelpe can raed this.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter b y istl ef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed this psas it on !!