Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

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dwebj
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by dwebj » Sun Jun 15, 2008 12:56 pm

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Crymea
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Wed Jun 18, 2008 11:30 am

"Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops."

--Steven Wright
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
dwebj
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by dwebj » Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:29 pm

Men are just happier people.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch; they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Zahasha » Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:10 pm

Underwear dust



One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny,

said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.

Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'



His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.



The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'



She replied, 'its not talcum power, its miracle grow' :mrgreen:

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"It is good to have an end to journey towards:
but it is the journey that matters in the end." ~Ursula K Le Guin
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Crymea
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Mon Jul 21, 2008 3:42 pm

Politics Explained

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Congress. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Congress is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Crymea
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Tue Aug 26, 2008 11:36 am

Hunting Dog

The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master.

"Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.

"Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Crymea
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:18 am

Quickie

A masochist and a sadist get married.

On the wedding night, the masochist screams "BEAT ME. KICK ME. WHIP ME".

The sadist just smiles, and says "no".
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:49 am

Veternary Observational

First-year students at Auburn University Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. '

As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Zahasha » Fri Sep 12, 2008 1:31 am

OMG I am TOTALLY GROSSED OUT!!!!
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but it is the journey that matters in the end." ~Ursula K Le Guin
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Crymea
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Fri Sep 12, 2008 11:01 am

I am told the story is true... however I can not claim its validity... makes it even grosser, doesn't it?
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Crymea
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:03 pm

Quickie

I took a Viagra, but it got stuck in my throat. I had a stiff neck for hours.
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Thu Oct 09, 2008 4:54 pm

LIQUID ASSETS

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Sat Nov 29, 2008 10:57 am

Headaches

Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.

Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."

The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"

"Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy some new underwear.

The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."

"No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.

Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Crymea
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Tue Dec 30, 2008 3:28 pm

I'm sure I'm gonna get smacked for this one...

Q: What's the difference between a lady of the evening, a mistress, and a wife?

A: The lady of the evening says, "Are you done yet?", a mistress says, "You're done already?", and a wife says, "Beige! I think I'll paint the ceiling beige!"
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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Re: Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

Post by Crymea » Fri Jan 09, 2009 5:21 pm

Twins

Once upon a time there were two (as opposed to three) identical twins, who, in defiance of all we know about the genetic basis of intelligence, were anything but identical mentally. One of them was, quite frankly, stupid, while the other was very sharp indeed. In fact, he was a master of ready wit and stunning repartee.

One evening the stupid twin went to a circus that happened to be in town. He went early so he could get a good seat in the front row, right beside the ring, and he thoroughly enjoyed the experience. He marvelled at the elephants, cowered from the lions, and gaped at the trapeze artists in their skimpy costumes; he reacted exactly the way he was meant to.

Last of all, on came the clowns. They were his favourite bit of the circus. All that falling over, all that water, all those custard pies - it was hilarious. The lead clown was the most ludicrous of the lot: he had bigger shoes, baggier trousers, brighter make-up and the most enormous red nose. And part of the lead clown's job was to make fun of people in the audience.

So the clown looked around for someone to hassle, and saw a rather stupid-looking man sitting right in the front row. Ideal. He went up to the stupid twin and said:

"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"

The stupid man sat there wishing that he hadn't come, wishing that the clown would go away and pick on someone else. He knew he wasn't very intelligent, and he knew he would come out of this looking very foolish. But he spoke up. "No," he said.

"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.

"No, I'm not," the stupid man replied.

"Then, sir," the clown said slowly, letting the audience savour the moment, "you are no end of an ass!"

The audience, having a fairly poor sense of humour, erupted into laughter. The stupid man just wished he could die. Fortunately for him, the show was soon over.

When he got home, the stupid man told his brother what had happened.

"Don't worry," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee, "I am a master of ready wit and stunning repartee. Tomorrow night I will go to the circus and make that clown look foolish."

So the next night, the master of ready wit and stunning repartee went to the circus, and got a front row seat. Being an intelligent man, he was considerably less impressed by the sight of dumb animals being made to do tricks, although he had to admit that the trapeze artists were rather tasty.

Then the clowns came out, and the one with the biggest shoes, baggiest trousers, brightest make-up and most ludicrously over-sized nose looked around the audience for someone to make fun of. He could not believe his luck. There, sitting in the front row, was the stupid man he'd got such a laugh out of the night before. So the clown approached the master of ready wit and stunning repartee and asked:

"Sir, are you the front end of an ass?"

"No," said the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.

"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?" the clown continued.

"No, I'm not," replied the master of ready wit and stunning repartee.

"Then, sir," said the clown, "you are no end of an ass!" The crowd went wild with laughter. The joke went down even better than it had the night before, and the clown felt on top of the world.

But just then the master of ready wit and stunning repartee stood up, smiled sadistically and said:

"F**k off you red-nosed bastard."
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."
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