Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

[dwebj]

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.


For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a wooden stake shoved up his backside.

[dwebj]

This big city boy was hiking through the mountains of northern Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' he asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the tourist. 'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma come in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the tourist.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the Yankee, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid thru the door. 'This is the outhouse.'

[Zahasha]

ROFL
I think we have new 5 Star Joke Poster!!

Go! Go! Go! Dwebj

[Crymea]

Super Absorbed

A pediatrician is trying to put a 6-year-old patient, Timmy, at ease. He asks, "If you found a few dollars on the street, what would you buy?"

Without hesitation, Timmy says, "A box of Tampax."

Surprised, the doctor asks why. "Well," Timmy says, "it says on TV that with Tampax, you can go swimming, horseback riding, and skating anytime you want to!"

[Zahasha]

[Crymea]

Wow... that was disturbingly funny.

[Crymea]

Larry and Sam

One day, Larry the Lobster and Sam the Clam were having dinner, discussing their future plans and what they wanted to do with their lives. Larry said, "You know, I really want to be an artist, maybe making scupltures or painting pictures."

Sam said, "That sounds nice, but what I really want to do is open a bar, maybe some kind of a themed club."

The two had some more small banter, finished their meals, and went their separate ways.

A few years later, the two had followed their dreams. Larry became a famous artist, creating some beautiful artwork of which the sea had never seen before. Sam ended up opening his bar, going with a 1970's feel and ambience. It was the hot spot in the sea that every sea creature would go to see or be seen.

One night, Larry had been working late on another of his pieces of art, and he was getting frustrated with how it was coming. Deciding that he needed a change of scenery, he picked up his artwork and he headed to his old friend Sam's club. He hoped that he might get some inspiration from new surroundings to make his art more stunning. He got inside and found a booth in the corner, set his artwork on the table, had a few drinks. Lo and behold, his old friend Sam came up and said hello.

Before they both knew it, they had talked the night away, exchanging stories and kicking back drink after drink. It had gotten late, and they both knew it was time to head home. Sam headed to his pad upstairs, and Larry headed out to his home.

When Larry got to his home, he stopped abruptly. Screaming aloud, he stated, "I LEFT MY ART IN SAM CLAM'S DISCO!"

[Crymea]

Snake Joke

The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go and multiply."

Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

[Crymea]

Optimism

Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself!"

"Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."

"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly have been worse?"

"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead right now."

[Crymea]

Good Ears

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.

[Crymea]

Quickie

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."

"So?"

"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."

[Zahasha]

You know its Windy when...

[dwebj]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw ! blood.

He then hid the n ow almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[dwebj]

At The C.O.'s Morning Briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders.

While waiting for a PFC to finish brewing Coffee for his team, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure"?

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC in charge of making the coffee and asked what his opinion was on this?

Without hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. Sir."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

The PFC responded- "Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them. Sir."

The room fell silent.

Difficult to argue that logic.

[dwebj]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"


" 1955, ma'am."


"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."


The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."